A good Mom?

Really and honestly, I have never quite felt like I was good enough. I have never really thought I was smart enough or clever enough or organized enough, but I never felt this debilitating guilt that I have started feeling since I became a mommy. Yes, I have been frustrated and am still trying to figure what to do with life, but every action and word was not accompanied by guilt.
Since I have become a mommy I am sick with it. No matter what I am doing I feel guilty and that I should be doing something else. If I'm cleaning I should be working, if I'm playing with Callie, I should be cleaning. There are certain things I know I need to get done, but no matter what, I feel like I am making the wrong choice and should be doing something else. If I raise my voice, I feel crushing guilt that I have treated my precious child so poorly. If I get annoyed or irritated with her I feel guilty. If I have anything less than a loving grateful thought about my baby, I feel guilty. How on earth could I feel anything but love towards such a sweet little miracle? There must be something wrong with me.

But.. It might just be the exhaustion from lack of sleep. It just might be the stack of laundry that doubles every night and is out of control again as soon as I'm "caught up". It just might be the dirty dishes or the food stuck to the floor under the highchair as well as in every crook and cranny of the chair. It just might be the stack of papers ten inches high that I have yet to sort and file. It might just be stress from family issues and the guilt of not being more help to them. It just might be that I miss my husband that is working full time (and a second job) that I never see so that we can avoid childcare. It just might be that I am trying to be a better Christian woman, volunteering in the nursery and becoming more involved in church. It just might be that my husband and I are both so tired that we can't find time or energy to have a lengthy converstion, let alone spend any "quality time" together. It just might be the bathrooms that needs cleaning, the volunteering that I feel compelled to do and a list a thousand miles long that never seems to be empty.
I pray that God will help me deal with this guilt and help me to know that I am worthy just by being me....

I found these clips on my computer the other day and realized how quickly time goes. I am starting to forget these moments. It somehow takes having a child to realize how precious each moment really is.

Discovery El Salvador Trip 2007

Discovery El Salvador Trip 2007

This is the work that Discovery Church is doing....Look what we are capable of doing in the world with God's help. Reaching out to our brothers and sisters all over the world. God calls us to many things, in many places..sometimes places we never thought we'd be. He is tugging on my heart these past few weeks and I am waiting to hear an answer. I pray that I can quiet myself and listen to what my call is..............

OCD..not me.

So some people might describe me as OCD. Some people, however, have insinuated that I am a bit "controlling". There is a big difference. I think that I am simply "organized." I like to have life in order. I like to know how my day MIGHT play out. I like to at least think that my ducks are in a row. Funny how one minute I am OCD, but the next, someone is asking me for something b/c I AM organized and reliable. Hmmmpph.
I also like to follow a schedule. I mean, the Big Guy is ultimately in control. But anymore it's just ONE DAY AT A TIME. I can live with that.
I think I have learned to relax a bit. I can be spontaneous on occasion.....

Indulging:)

Today we bought a video camera. Why they cost sooo much is beyond me. I am sure it will be obsolete in a few months. However, our little peanut is growing up so fast and we find ourselves saying, "Do you remember...?" I never want to forget a single moment of Callie's life, but I am. I forget when she first rode in her swing, when she transitioned from scooting to crawling and it's even a little fuzzy as to when she last stayed still in my arms. I want to capture every giggle, every silly sound and every step. It is all going too quickly. And just when I catch myself saying, "I can't wait until.." I am reminded that every phase, every moment, is unique and special and I don't want to rush it. I hear too many Moms say "Before you know it, she'll be in college, she'll be dating or she'll be taking care of you." I am just happy with changing diapers for now....

I love my family!

I love my family. I love being a wife and Mom. I love doing things for other people and trying to help. Sometimes, I care to the point of wanting to "fix" all the hurt in their lives. I am one of those people that constantly needs to be reminded that God is in the driver's seat. I need to allow Jesus to take the wheel and remember that I really can't do it all on my own.

Discovery Moms group.....

I will be attending a "mommy group" this Friday. I am not really sure what to expect, but I know I need some "me" time. Is that bad?
I think as a mother, we are all looking for different things in a support system. Some people join to educate themselves on topics about parenting, others are looking for playgroups where their children can play, some are looking for volunteer opportunities, and others are just looking for other mothers to talk to. Whatever your reason may be for finding a support group, having a good support system can really be beneficial to you.
For me, Parenting has been the toughest, most under appreciated; under rated BEAUTIFUL important job in the whole world. There are no instructions. No matter how hard you try, you will always feel like you're doing it all wrong, always feel like you should have handled a situation better, and always be consumed with guilt!! My aunt always said, "It's the most pain you'll ever feel in your life, for the biggest joy you'll ever have." I like that.
You know, sometimes we feel like failures as moms. Or maybe it's just me: The constant fussing and nagging, the wanting to be alone, the having to teach responsibility and consequences, giving them too much sugar, the wishing you read and sang to her more each day, the scrapbooks that sit waiting to be finished, not being cool and so out of touch with what's in, always being exhausted, the fear and all the guilt that ensues because of our feeling the need to be “Supermom”. It's what makes us just want to give up. It's a whole lot easier to just let them do what they want, isn't it? No fussing or punishments or hard stuff and the like. Well, that's exactly what we should do. Just give up. Not in the way you're thinking, just give it up to God. They're His to begin with. I'm tired of stressing about what kind of parenting job I'm doing when really it should be so simple.
You know the Scripture ...
"Teach a child in the way he should go and when he grows old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6
That's all we can do. Teach them. Pray for them. Love them.
And, NEWS FLASH ... we will never be perfect moms, no matter how hard we try.
The best things we can give our kids is allowing them to see our humanness. When we allow ourselves to not be perfect, they know it's OK to not be perfect.
I pray for opportunities to speak to my daughter about God. And I am thankful to be part of an organization like Discovery Moms, where there are other Moms just like me. I hope Friday is everything I hope it will be....

God is good!!!

Here I am... awake again. I automatically jump on FB, even if I don't want to be awake. Like a zombie, I navigate through random updates, look at my pics and remember...
I come across a video that I have no desire to watch because I don't want to turn on the volume, but something compels me. It is a video posted by one of the members of Discovery church. We have been attending there since May of this year. The church is comprised of some very devoted Christians. It is amazing to see God at work there. Especially, the work they are doing in El Salvador.
Al and I had the opportunity to do mission work in Africa and so this video moved me to tears. The Holy Spirit sometimes washes over me that way. My God, when is the next mission trip for me?